


you?

by trappedbyvellichor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angry Remus Lupin, Angst, Angst and Drama, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Remus Lupin, Hurt Sirius Black, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I told you, I'm Sorry, M/M, Post-Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, im serious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:43:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23524810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trappedbyvellichor/pseuds/trappedbyvellichor
Summary: The Marauders saw the ruthless side of Remus after a prank. But there was so much more to that, a whole other side that only Lily had seen. It was the same with Sirius, whose facade shattered right with his bonds with Remus.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 88





	you?

**Author's Note:**

> did i write this instead of working on my multiple WIPs? yes. yes i did.  
> did i neglect sleep and homework to write it? yes. yes i did.  
> do i regret it? no. no i don't.

Remus's amber eyes could only be described as wrathful. Scars were screaming over his face and neck, and his bruised cheek against his pale skin looked painful. He was biting on his already split lip with his hands folded. Rolled up sleeves revealed patterns of scars and stitched up cuts travelling all over his skin. Dark shadows and wrinkles lay under his red eyes, which still seemed to be piercing. 

His teeth were bared, hands were folded and nails piercing into his skin, carving out crescent shapes in his arm. Remus's heavy breaths and the glares resting on his eyes terrified the three boys in front of him. They were all punched in the face with guilt.

The room was filled with tension. Like a pulled rope. One wrong move, and disaster would entail.

His arrival from the hospital wing, bruised and battered. But with a glint of determination or almost hunger in his eyes, terrified the three who were now sitting in front of him. Normally, he hated confrontation. But this time, he wanted this. He wanted to know who'd done this. Who'd put not only his, but another student's life in danger, broken his trust and revealed a sworn secret.

Whoever almost made him a murderer, they where done for.

James was glaring at Sirius, with almost as much hate in his eyes as Remus. He was cracking his knuckles in one hand, while sitting in the couch. Sirius was on the floor, leaning against the sofa. His face wore a look of extreme misery and guilt. Peter winced in his seat, on the sofa right above Sirius.

Every breath was heavy. Their faces all wore a look of anticipation for what was bound to happen. An enraged Remus Lupin was certainly not something to cross with.

Remus let out a shaky breath. It shuddered from maybe tears, anger, or both.

"Which one of you was it?"

The question was filled with poison. It was menacing. None of them answered.

"Which one of you was it?"

Remus was beyond furious. His temper, however, wasn't heated, like Sirius's or James's, it was cold. Freezing the moment, though they all felt way too hot under the spotlight. 

Sirius felt like he was burning under a magnifying glass. All the pieces tied up loosely inside him were threatening to fall. Like the spotlight was on him. He wanted to run away from the dense feeling growing inside his chest, the crawling under his chest, and the sinking feeling in his stomach that made him want to heave. Sirius honestly wondered how Remus couldn't tell. All the tension, all the heat in the room, it was directed toward him. 

"I'm asking you one last time, which of you was it?"

Remus's words filled the room. Each word was heavy, with the weight of betrayal and cold indignation. The room was empty, and had been the moment Remus marched in, sending deathly glares to anyone who dared make eye contact with him.

Sirius swallowed, feeling the throbbing of his nose from where James had punched him earlier. The heavy weight in his chest seemed to increase as he slowly raised his hand, hoping it wouldn't be the worst decision he'd ever make. The lump in his throat was choking him.

He just wanted to cry in Remus's arms again, like he did all those years before. But he knew, deep down, he didn't deserve it.

"I- it was me," he stuttered quietly, his voice hoarse. It was barely a whisper, but in the silence, it was louder than a scream.

Sirius looked up, and hastily turned his gaze to the floor, unable to meet Remus's eyes.

There was a beat. A split second, where Remus's angry mask fell, revealing a million different emotions crossing his face. Before Remus lost it. Lost the last chain holding him back from complete rage.

" _You_? It was you?!" His voice increased in volume and rage by the word. But the words weren't just heated, they carried the weight of incredulity and disbelief.

Something flickered across Remus's eyes, too quickly to be recognised, but it was replaced by absolute fury. There was a glint of the wolfish amber in his eyes which were filled with unbridled rage. He looked rabid.

"Moo- Moony, I-"

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON'T _DESERVE_ TO CALL ME THAT!"

Sirius recoiled back, clinging to the sofa, hastily wiping away a tear forming under his eyelid. His chest was heaving with shaking breaths, and he squeezed his eyes shut.

At this point, even James looked taken aback. Staring at the scene, eyes wide open, he shifted uncomfortably, no longer cracking his knuckles, but instead wringing his hands. Peter looked positively terrified at the sight of an enraged Remus, and was sitting curled back, eyes quickly darting from Sirius below him to Remus in front of him.

"Moon- Remus, I'm so, _so_ -"

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Remus's fists were shaking, clenched tightly, and had now fallen at his sides. He might've been growling, with all inside him that felt like it would burst. But not out of anger. Out of desperation, out of pure shock.

Maybe he showed his thoughts across his face, because James leant forward. "Remus-" started James cautiously, but also flinched when Remus snapped.

"James that applies to you too. _Shut up_."

There was a deathly silence that filled the room. If the atmosphere was tense before, it was nothing compared to now. Between a nervous James, a panicking Peter, and a terrified Sirius finding it almost impossible to keep the tears in, the room could not have been a worse place to be in.

Remus broke the silence with his deathly poisonous voice, that sounded almost incredulous.

"You willingly told Severus to follow me, where he would discover my secret? The secret you know, of all people, that I'm most ashamed of? You willingly broke your promise, broke our trust, destroyed everything, and took the risk to have Severus killed and I expelled, and I become a _murderer,_ just for a prank?"

Sirius's mouth was slightly opened, and as Remus's eyes bore into his, he shut it. He clenched his jaw and bit his lip to keep it from shaking. His breaths were short and shallow, and though it was impossible to see, all three of them caught it; the smallest shake of his head, before tears stung at his eyes.

"Moo- Remus, I'm so, so, sorry, please, please," begged Sirius. "I really didn't know- didn't mean-"

"You didn't _mean_ to tell Snape how to get in to the shrieking shack? And as if that wasn't enough, tell him to go during a full moon night? I don't fucking believe you," Remus spat out, hate filling every word.

"Please, I get it, you hate me- I know, I hate myself too-" Sirius's voice was shaking in a way it never did before. He swallowed, ignoring James and Peter's stares. "But please just listen, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry isn't going to fix this." Remus let out a bitter, humorless laugh. "Nothing can fix this, Sirius, this isn't just another one of your pranks. This is a life, Sirius, I could have been expelled! Snape could've been killed!"

"I know, I'm just- I don't know why-" Sirius's voice was breaking. "I- I- I wasn't thinking- I'm sorry- I regret it so damn much, please-"

"You don't get it, do you? D'you know what would've happened to me? D'you know what the ministry does to werewolves who _kill_ while transformed? THEY PUT THEM DOWN!"

Three sharp intakes of breath. Three shocked faces. Three boys felt more guilty than ever before. James's jaw dropped, Peter's eyes widened, and Sirius looked horrified. he looked down at his shaking hands, mouth open, and a breath trapped in his throat.

Remus looked delirious now.

"No, oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no," Sirius was muttering in shock. He was shaking, tears falling down his cheeks, but not a single sob escaped him. The crushing weight of what he could've done hit him like a ton of bricks. All words escaped him. It was all spinning around his mind; what happened, what could've happened, what he'd never have forgiven himself for.

"Seems like you really are like your fucking _parents_. You really must hate me."

James finally tore his gaze away from the furiously distraught Remus, breathing heavily, and rested his eyes on a guilt-ridden, horrified Sirius, who looked like he'd been attacked by dementors. Sirius's lips were muttering indistinct words, that only seemed to be dragging him further down a pit dug by Remus.

Sirius's eyes were bloodshot, and shone with pain and guilt. It seemed like Sirius's face was stripped of its happy, mischievous mask. Like all the remorse was naked, bleeding down on Sirius's face. He looked broken, with his pained look, and mouth slightly open, and tears falling down.

No matter how enraged James had been earlier, he couldn't help feeling horrible for Sirius right now.

Remus walked out, diffusing the extreme tension. But the ghost of misery, broken trust, and rage still lingered. Sirius was white in the face, stuttering and trying to bite back sobs, or more likely screams. 

But somehow, his voice came out pained, but smoother than ever.

"I- I'm just going to... take a walk."

"I'll come with you, Pads, I know-"

"You really don't know, you'd never understand-"

"Then make me," insisted James earnestly.

"No! I can't! Just, please?"

"Are you sure? I'll come with you..."

"Please, Prongs, just... not now."

James looked reluctant, but let Sirius go, accepting that he wouldn't win this fight, not when Sirius already had battles of his own. He watched as the boy walked farther away, digging in his pockets for something bound to destroy him even more.

* * *

On the other side of the castle lay another distraught boy, wasting away on misery as the harsh winds of winter ran through his waves. He didn't know why he was here, sitting on the stone floor of the balcony of the divination tower. Maybe it was the itching feeling to be high up, as far high in the air as he could without being caught.

The cold wind rushed through his waves of hair, blowing them in his face and making his face cold til it was numb. But despite all the air swirling around almost magically, he still couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe through the sobs racking his body, making him shake not out of cold.

It couldn't be. It just couldn't. He trusted Sirius, of all, with his life. Hell, more than just his life. Out of the three other Marauders, Sirius always seemed... special in a way. Special to Remus. There was something about him, something Remus could never describe, that made Remus want to treasure Sirius like the star he was.

And no matter what, he couldn't stop loving Sirius.

He knew, that no matter how much he hated him, no matter what Sirius had done, no matter what it could've led to, he'd never stop. He hated it, he suppressed it. Maybe that's why it hurt so much.

It was like a blow to the face when Sirius raised his hand. He couldn't take it. He wished he'd never asked, wished this'd never happened. He wanted to forget it all. Forget that this was all his fault; his parents told him over and over again.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't stop thinking about why Sirius did this. Sirius of all people. He'd never have betrayed James this way, never have done this to anyone. This was so... unlike him. And Remus couldn't help but think that this was his own fault. 

_Why? Why? Why?_

Remus's eyes were blurry from tears, and he felt weak and defeated. The information kept taunting him, and each word in his mind was a punch in the stomach. This couldn't have happened. It wasn't real. It had to have been a nightmare.

But angels don't come in nightmares.

So who was crouching in front of him?

A figure, blurry through tears had appeared in front of him, illuminated by glowing light. Red hair and fair skin. Remus rubbed his eyes, wiping tears away. And as the figure became clearer, he let out a disgruntled groan, while trying to hide his face in his hands.

A warm hand picked his face up gently, and it took all Remus had in him not to run away. He cursed himself inwardly, and bit the inside of his cheeks hard til a copper taste was spilling onto his tongue.

It was Lily Evans. The kindest girl he knew.

Lily's eyes glistened in the light of the lamp below her. They were filled with emotion, and gave her a caring air, almost in a motherly way. Remus had never wanted to hug and spill out all his secrets to a person he barely knew before as much as he did now.

"Remus, dear, what happened?"

Her tone was so full of concern, it made Remus want to cry, out of an emotion filling him he couldn't place his finger on. But in a flash, a shadow crossed her eyes, before she sat down in front of Remus, setting down the lamp.

"Remus, oh. This is about Snape thing, isn't it?"

Her voice was gentle, softer than silk. It calmed Remus down. Though she uttered the last thing Remus wanted to hear, Remus still wanted to spill it all out, tell her everything. It was like a different type of magic, she had, one that Remus wasn't experienced with at all.

"How much do you know?" Remus was hesitant with his question, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"I- I don't know much. All I know is that there was a nasty prank played on Severus, and that you were behind it all, I think at least, 'cause he kept calling you a monster. He warned me to stay away from you as well, but I told him to sod off."

"You- you don't know _what_ the prank was?"

Remus's voice was nervous. Lily's eyes looked up in thought for a second, before turning back and shaking her head. Remus seemed to relax a little, and sat properly again.

"But I know you're not a monster, Remus. Whatever you did can't have been that bad. I know you, you'd never hurt a fly."

But apparently those were the wrong words, because Remus's face shriveled in horror, and he pulled his legs closer to his chest. his breathing got shallow again, and he slowly started rocking himself, eyes shut tightly.

"Lily, you- you don't know. Oh Merlin, Lily, you don't un-understand. I _am_ a monster," he sobbed.

Lily's thin eyebrows furrowed in confusion and concern for the rocking, curled up boy on the floor. A cold wind sent shivers down her spine, and she shuddered at the freezing temperature outside. Her lamp had gone out, but neither of them had noticed. And she could here the chattering of Remus's teeth beneath his sobs.

"Hey, listen, it's okay, it's okay, let's go inside. You're freezing, c'mon, let's go." Remus slowly looked up at her, and took her warm, outstretched hand. She pulled him to his feet, and hugged his cold, shivering body, feeling his breaths get steadier and slower.

As he stepped into the divination room, he embraced the warmth coming from the dimly lit torches. Lily was waving her wand, as all the torches lit up dimly. The heavy scent of rosemary filled the room, calming Remus down, but also making him feel a little sick.

The heavy purple curtains flowed with the wind rushing in waves, the wind from through the window making them dance and cast shadows on the floor. As Lily shut the doors, the curtains were reduced to a slow swaying. Large armchairs were scattered in pairs with tables inbetween each one.

Lily guided him to one, and motioned for him to sit down, while she sat and crossed her legs. Remus felt sick, and was shaking with a feeling he couldn't name, probably nervousness, but also some sort of giddy relief.

Lily's normally vivid green eyes were glassy as her focused gaze rested on a breathless Remus. The boy was rocking himself in a fetal position, head in his knees. Lily could hear sobs that crushed her heart with the broken and painful sounds, that sounded so strange coming out of _Remus_ of all people.

"Tell me what this is about, Remus," said Lily meeting his nervous eyes. Remus let his knees fall to the floor, and hid his hands under his legs. He was biting his lip, which Lily's eyes had caught onto.

"Oh my god, what happened there? Oh god, Remus, what- I- I didn't see this. Remus, what happened?" Lily sounded slightly panicky, rushing to Remus's side of the table and slowly tracing his scars across his face in the air.

Remus gave Lily a confirming look, and she let her soft finger trail over his scars, some still fresh and held together by only painful-looking stitches. She carefully dragged her fingers over his dry lips, split and lined with dry blood. 

"Remus," she said, more collectedly now. "How did this happen? Please tell me, we have to report it to someone. This- this can't happen."

"It- Lil- you don't und- I _can't_ tell you!" Remus sounded desperate for her to understand, but she only seemed more confused, as well as nervous.

"Listen, if it was one of your _friends-_ " she spat the word out in disgust, _"_ you can always tell me. You- you don't have to go through this. It isn't right."

"Oh- oh no, wait Lils-' Remus spluttered. "I- uh- it isn't them."

" _Then who?_ "

"I just- I can't tell you. If I did, you'd run away. You'd tell the entire school, I- I just-"

"Do you really think that lowly of me?" snapped Lily.

"No," Remus winced, a tear falling from his eye. As he spoke again, his voice broke. "D'you- if I tell- tell you, do you promise you won't tell the entire school? Please, you're allowed to run away, bully me-"

"No. No Remus. Nothing you do or say can make me run away from you. And nothing you do or say can justify _anyone_ bullying you either."

"I- uh, thank you." Remus's voice sounded weak, but genuine. "Lily, I- I'm- oh Merlin I can't do this.'

"It's okay. I promise, I won't hate you."

" _LilyImmawerewolf!_ "

"Come again?"

Lily- I- I'm a we-" Remus's voice broke. "I'm a werewolf."

"Oh. Is that it?"

"Excuse me?" Remus looked too scared to have been confused.

"Oh no, I mean, don't worry, we- I- it's okay, I'm completely okay with it. And I'm so sorry you have to go through all that," she assured. "It's just that, it's... obvious?"

"Don't worry Remus-" she added looking at the terror on his face. "Nobody else knows, just Marlene and I, we- we sort of figured it out last year. You know, with you missing prefect duties, and her interest in astronomy, it kind of just came together."

Remus looked frozen for a second, trying to process what she'd just said. He blinked a few times, before repeating what she said, more to himself.

"So- so you and Marlene know, and... it was _obvious..._?" Remus seemed to consider the information for a few moments, before returning to his biggest question, to which he probably didn't want to know the answer. "But why don't you hate me? I'm- I'm a _monster_!"

"What makes you think that? Remus, you _aren't_ a monster!" Seeing the confused, tilted face of Remus, she added on. "Just because you can't help being what you do once a month, doesn't mean you are a monster. For example, have you ever _purposely_ tried to murder someone?"

Remus shook is head timidly, not wanting to look into her vivid eyes.

"See? You aren't a monster! During the full moon, you have no control over yourself, so is it really your fault? Besides, I also become brutal every month, granted not as bad as you do, but that doesn't make _me_ a monster, does it?"

Remus chuckled a little through his tears, letting an awkward smile settle on his face. A blissful silence hung in the air for a while, but they both know it would be shattered soon. Lily decided to break it first.

"Listen," she started hesitantly. "When Snape told me his version of events, it seemed quite, how do I say it, impossible that you tried to kill him, so- if you don't mind telling me- what exactly happened?"

"It's okay," Remus sighed. He hung his head back, biting on his lip and played with the watch on his hand, twisting it around his wrist. "So- um- the Marau- James, Sirius and Peter know about, well, you know. And I trusted all three of them with my life-" Remus's voice broke "-and with my secret. But turns out, I couldn't trust one of them."

Lily seemed to know where this was going, a pained expression in her eyes. She was murmuring "oh Remus," in that calm every few seconds. She watched Remus struggle with the words, as he fiddled with his sleeves and watch.

"Sirius- oh Merlin, so, Sirius told Snape where to go to see me transform. And he- he told Snape to come o- on the full moon. I had no idea, so it was left to James- Merlin bless him- to somehow save him. Merlin, I almost killed him! He almost made me a fucking murderer!"

Lily looked horrified, not only with her knowledge of magical law, but also with the way she saw Sirius look at Remus sometimes. The silent conversations with Sirius as she caught those gazes.

"Remus, I'm so, so sorry. Oh god, I wish I could change it, make sure it never happened. Oh god, I'm so sorry."

"You- how- how do you still not hate me?" Remus sounded incredulous. "I almost killed him!"

"Remus, it wasn't your fault-"

"Lily- you don't fucking understand," Remus flared up. "I could've killed him! I could've become a murderer! Whether it was my fault or not, his blood would've been on my hands!"

"No Remus," Lily said in a strong voice, her eyes intense. "The blood wouldn't have been on your hands. It would've been on Black's. It's his fault and his fault only."

"I know, I know- it's just- it hurts, okay? It hurts so damn much." Remus's voice was hoarse and breaking, and Lily couldn't help the tears that rose in her eyes as she hugged Remus tightly.

"Th- the worst part is-" it was barely a broken whisper, and a tear rolled down his cheek "-I fucking love him. I love the fucking bastard. I don't know why! I just- I tried so damn hard not to- it just- I fucking _hate_ him, but I love him. Sorry Lils, I probably make no sense."

"No, you do," she insisted, her voice full of emotion. Finally breaking away from the hug, she hastily wiped at her eyes, and sat up. "Oh god Remus darling, I'm so sorry. Words can't express it, I wish I could reverse it all for you."

Remus was sobbing heavily, his face hidden in his hands, and his knees were close to his chest again. Lily felt her heart clench, seeing the boy who never seemed to show much emotion suddenly broken next to her. 

She waited til he'd regained his breaths, and looked back up, muttering apologies. "If you don't want to hang out with them anymore," she said quietly. "You can stay with me. I can't promise my company will be as joyful as theirs, but Marlene, Alice, all of us would love to have you."

Her warm smile lingered, and seemed to spread to Remus, who returned her caring gaze.

"Thank you for letting me be a huge fucking mess Lils," said Remus, his words shaky from either chuckles or sobs.

"Anytime. We can stay here all night if you want, I'm sure McGonagall wouldn't mind, I mean, she practically loves you."

"McGonagall? Love me? She's after my hide! Hell, she'd love the giant squid before me!"

"Well, I could see why," said Lily, the light and happiness back in her voice. "All those tentacles must be used for _something_ , if you know what I mean."

A smirk grew across Lily's face as Remus hung his head and groaned, pushing Lily on the shoulder. "I thought you were decent."

"Are any of us decent, really?"

"At least James'll be proud," muttered Remus.

"Oh my god, does that prick still like me?"

"Like you? He's head over heels! Honestly, it's a nightmare with him. Going on about your vivid, fiery hair, shining in the sun, glowing like an auburn halo in the sun. And your beautiful green eyes, like a forest hidden inside them. I swear to Merlin, he once compared them to toads."

"Is he really that in love with me?"

Lily's eyes were gleaming. Remus noticed the glow in them.

"Oh no, Lily."

"Remus, no, I know what y-"

"Oh, Merlin no."

"No, listen-"

"You like him don't you?"

The exaggerated horror was clear on his face. Guilt was written all over Lily's smiling face. He groaned again, pinching the bridge of his nose. "What do you _see_ in him?"

"I really don't know, it's just that- I don't know, haven't you seen him during quidditch practice?"

"He looks like a hippogriff without legs."

"Not really, he- I mean- I- he looks _good_ , you know."

"What part of him looks good?! Sirius on the other hand..." Remus trailed off, anguish clouding his face again, as he swallowed. "I- sorry."

"Don't be sorry," said Lily earnestly, touching Remus's face. He turned up to meet her eyes. "Besides, it should be me who's sorry. Now I'll have to go through the pain of telling James he was right."

That seemed to bring a smile and the familiar light in Remus's eyes, and he choked out a chuckle.

"I mean it, Lily, thank you. Thank you so damn much."

Lily gave him a warm smile that brought tears to his eyes, and she gently brushed the hair out of his eyes. "I mean it too, anytime."

* * *

"Prongs?"

James groaned and shifted a bit, before falling back to sleep.

"Prongs? Please?" 

Sirius's voice broke, and had a heart wrenching tone James couldn't bare to hear.

James rubbed his eyes, which refused to open, and slowly sat up. He felt the bed sink near his feet, and started when Sirius's body fell on him, shaking. James's heart sunk as he felt Sirius's body racking with gut wrenching sobs.

"I wrecked it all. I could've killed him."

They were barely muffled whispers, but they filled the air. James peered out of the crack in the curtains, and saw Remus's empty bed. He gently brushed his fingers through strands of Sirius's hair, heart clenching with the weight of the words that still hung in the air.

"It's okay, Pads. It's going to be okay," mumbled James, knowing the empty words that were no better than lies.

Because even James knew that these days, trust wasn't easy. For Sirius to have broken such an old bond was definitely going to scar Remus. And James couldn't blame either one. He knew his brother's heart like the back of his hand. He could see the pain and remorse that shone through in his eyes.

James just wanted everything to be okay one day. It was all he could hope for.

Maybe one day, things would be like they were before.

**Author's Note:**

> pleeease gimme advice on writing angst and tension in the first scene!
> 
> also, follow my crappy [ tumblr ](https://moonscarsandstars.tumblr.com/) for more wolfstar.


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